Penthouse to the Basement: The Emotions and Phases Behind Being a Parent of an Adolescent

Written By Julia Newlin Smith - April 5, 2023

Awash in the depths of sadness, I found myself desperately longing for a way to make it all disappear. Initially, I attempted to outsmart my emotions, employing the skills of a seasoned thinker and intellect. I believed that if I could just outthink my distress, I would be able to overcome it. However, this approach turned out to be a rookie mistake, even for someone with my experience as a marriage and family therapist. It served as a profound reminder of an important truth.

Emotions, both positive and distressing, are an integral part of the rich and textured journey we call life. While we readily embrace the positive emotions, it is often the painful ones, like sadness, that can pose challenges along the way.

Interestingly, emotions themselves only last for a brief period, typically ranging from 30 to 90 seconds. If an emotion persists beyond this timeframe, it is usually an indication that additional thoughts are perpetuating it.

To understand this phenomenon, we must delve into the workings of the brain and its interaction with the nervous system. Broadly speaking, this system engages in five key processes: sensation, perception, feelings and emotions, thoughts, and actions and behavior.

Sensation refers to our accumulated experiences, filtered through our sensory system. Perception involves how we make sense of these sensations. Feelings and emotions arise from the neurochemical activity associated with our perception of sensations, giving rise to emotions such as happiness, sadness, or anxiety. Thoughts represent our directed belief system or narrative, drawing upon the past, present, and future. Lastly, actions and behaviors encompass the translation of sensations, perceptions, emotions, and thoughts into tangible actions.

In my attempt to outthink my sadness, I inadvertently became trapped in a paralyzing cycle. By solely focusing on outwitting my emotions with my intellect, I became engulfed and unable to move forward. My attention to the distressing emotion only served to amplify its power, inadvertently giving it more space, time, and energy. It became clear that our attention plays a significant role in where our energy flows.

As a writer, I turned to pen and paper as a means to interrupt this freefall. By converting my sensations, perceptions, emotions, and thoughts into journaling, I engaged in deliberate behavior that disrupted the cycle. Instead of mindlessly participating in a self-perpetuating thought loop, I sent a signal to my brain and nervous system that something different was happening. I embraced a constructive and positive behavior—writing—which brought me joy. A new sensation emerged, and I began to filter my experiences in a new way. The concentrated spotlight of my attention shifted towards productivity. This activated different neurochemicals associated with motivation, reward, and joy, such as dopamine. A new, more hopeful narrative took center stage in my mind, directing a positive thought process through deliberate, rewarding, and changed behavior.

Research has shown that behavior is a powerful tool for changing our thoughts. Instead of attempting to outthink our thoughts rooted in emotion, investing in behaviors that feel productive or soothing can be much more effective. This could include activities like writing, painting, meditating, calling a friend, or exercising—whatever aligns with our individual personalities. By engaging in these behaviors, we unleash new sensations with a more favorable filter, adopt a more positive narrative or perspective, and catalyze more positive emotions and productive thoughts that can lead to a continued cycle of rewarding behavior. And so, the journey unfolds, with new moments of inspiration and effectiveness.

It is important to acknowledge that there are thought loops that can be so distressing that engaging in behavior to change our thoughts feels overwhelming. The emotional experience becomes so overwhelming that it engulfs us completely, leaving us feeling helpless. In such cases, Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) offers useful skills to support us through these intense emotional experiences. One such skill is the TIPP Technique, which focuses on calming the nervous system in tandem with the brain through a feedback loop. TIPP stands for the following distress tolerance skills:

T - Temperature: When the nervous system is overwhelmed and agitation ensues, it often leads to an increased heartbeat. By applying cold temperatures to specific areas of the body, such as below the eyelid or pressure points like the backside of the wrist, we can decrease the heart rate and send a calming message to the nervous system.

I - Intense Exercise: Engaging in intense exercise is another way to release pent-up energy caused by overwhelming emotions. By expending this energy constructively, we can decrease nervous system agitation and signal to the brain that a recalibrated balance is in motion, thereby reducing overwhelming emotions.

P - Paced Breathing: While the suggestion to "just take a deep breath" may initially feel dismissive, there is scientific basis behind it. Deep breathing can reduce the physical manifestations of overwhelming emotions, such as increased heart rate and an agitated nervous system. Taking a deep breath, followed by another deep breath and exhaling slowly, signals to the brain that things are slowing down, replacing rapid and shallow breaths associated with overwhelming emotions.

P - Progressive Relaxation: Introduced by physician Edmund Jacobson in 1938, progressive relaxation is an effective technique for reducing anxiety. By alternately tensing and relaxing different muscle groups in the body, we address the physical symptoms of anxiety. This relaxation signals to the feedback system that the mind and body are entering a state of calm, creating a muscle-to-mind technique for relaxation.

In summary, navigating and understanding our emotions is a crucial aspect of our personal growth and well-being. By acknowledging that emotions are transient experiences and recognizing the interplay between sensations, perceptions, emotions, thoughts, and behaviors, we can choose intentional actions to shift our emotional landscape. Engaging in constructive behaviors that align with our values and personalities can lead to the transformation of thoughts and emotions, facilitating a positive cycle of change. Additionally, when emotions become overwhelming, techniques like the TIPP Technique from DBT offer practical strategies to regain control and find a sense of calm. Remember, the journey is ongoing, and with mindful awareness and deliberate action, we can navigate the complexities of our emotional lives and cultivate a sense of inner peace and resilience.

Navigating and Understanding Emotions

Written By Julia Newlin Smith - July 10, 2023

I am a psychotherapist who specializes and loves working with adolescents and helping parents. Through training and my own personal experiences I am able to share how the phase from dependence to interdependence as a parent can be a bumpy journey, and let you know that you're not alone. With humor and a twinge of sadness, I often compare my role as a teenage parent to a slow downward spiral from the penthouse to the basement. Slow being the operative word. It didn't happen overnight. An almost imperceptive descent that occurred over time as my son moved into pre-adolescence and eventually, adolescence. No longer his most significant person and no longer his preeminent love, he is successfully navigating through the 3 broad stages of parent/child development: 1) 0-12 years of age dependence, 2) 12- 24 years of age interdependence and 3) 24 years + launched and independent. These stages are so important to deeply understand and can be really helpful when you're in transition with your child.

Intellectually, I know the timeline. Emotionally, I know I want the timeline to standstill. Age 0 to approximately 12 years was like a dream. I was the smartest, nicest and coolest Mom. We had a blast. He appreciated my company and looked at me in awe because I seemed to know so much. This is also a very normal part of human development, as mothers or parents we are the center of their world!

As pre-adolescence began to set in, the tide began to turn. I didn't feel so lovable, fun and smart. He was growing up and naturally doing a healthy dance into interdependence, approximately 12-24 years, where his social world shares my center stage - sometimes it takes over the entire stage. Moreover, his cognitive development is moving in new directions, stretching and growing at a swift pace. He has bigger and brighter thoughts accompanied by a healthy sense of autonomy and empowerment. He is finding his own voice, sense of purpose and deeper social connection. He is breaking away. My adoring son is turning into a man.

This new stage, replete with everpresent eye rolls, push back and comments such as, I don't know what I am talking about, sometimes feels devoid of love and affection in my emotional basement. And, while I miss the emotional penthouse that I inhabited during the stage of dependence, I know he is doing his job as it was biologically and socio-emotionally intended. Specifically, our job as parents is not to keep the developmental stage of dependence everlasting. Our job as parents is to make the most of 0-12 creating an emotionally safe place where our children feel seen, soothed and secure under the auspices of unconditional love, validation, boundaries and repair, when rupture occurs, imparting important and effective blueprints, teeming with coping skills, that support a successful launch into subsequent developmental stages.

It follows that I half smile after a predictable eye roll knowing that all as it should be in our relationship. It is no longer all about us. It is about him and the journey ahead of him that I feel privileged to be a part of, and continue to be a part of, albeit in an increasingly supportive role. Importantly, my time in the penthouse rooted him and is the buttress that supports his development into his own, as he, steadily and healthfully, ascends into an independent role as a young man implementing the lessons learned and, unknowingly, leaning on the strength of our relationship developed during the stage of dependence.

I must admit I sometimes, secretly, lay in wait for the successful launch and stage of independence where he is no longer trying to break away. But, for now, the view from the basement never looked so good. In fact as I have learned he is just finding himself in the world and part of the exchanges between him finding himself and my experience is learning to let go on both sides and always knowing I am there for him. This is interdependence at its best and how we build a secure attachment for them when our children are moving towards more independence. It must feel safe for them to spread their wings and we are also there if they need us.

If you are currently raising a child who is morphing into their adolescent years it can be so important to know the developmental stages and what can come up for you as your child learns to have a voice. Or they start to respond differently to you, sometimes learning the phases and seekingsupport is helpful, you are not alone in this process AND it is totally normal. In order for our children to understand healthy interdependent relationships this transition happens. It can be hard, bumpy and confusing at times but necessary to form separateness that is also safely connected — to redefine boundaries and to learn rupture and repair when moments become harder.

I have learned so much from being a mother and working in my practice with adolescents and their parents that makes me want to share the message that these stages and transitions can feel confusing, perhaps hard at times, but they are so healthy and part of the evolution that allows for continuous expansion and growth.